With recent life events, I've been thinking about my childhood and the events and programming that moulded me into the guy I am today. Ask my four year old self what I wanted to be and, apart from telling you I don't talk to strangers unless bribed, I'd likely tell you I wanted to be a Ghostbuster when I grow up.
Needless to say, this didn't inspire me to get into the pest control business, much like that no matter how much I loved the eighties cartoon adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or Hero Turtles in the UK because the word 'Ninja' was deemed too violent) I didn't turn out to be a ninja (although I do eat far, far too much pizza).
As you all know, Hollywood and the film industry is in a strange crux where they're making more money than ever, but that's still not enough. The formula for success these days is comic book adaptations, which in turn has stretched to nostalgia-driven products. Some have become juggernauts (The Transformers quadrilogy despite being a critically reviled series), some have had moderate success (the G.I. Joe franchise) and others have rightfully bombed (Battleship).
So why did it take years for the beloved TMNT franchise to get the reboot? Sure, the original 1990 movie is a modern classic with some truly fantastic special effects and a grim and gritty story more inline with the original parody comic than the more well known TV show. It's subsequent pair of sequels slip in standard to acceptable if childish to unholy abomination.
The all CGI 2007 rebooquel© had it's moments but fell apart in terms of an actual story. The series to this day refuses to die and has flourished in the mediums of comic books and television series but the inevitable moo of the cash cow called and it seemed like a waste of an opportunity to not see how franchise could look in a post Dark Knight world with better special effects.
Like many, when details of who and what was happening with the franchise's reboot began to sprinkle the Internet, I was horrified. The leaked script read like the strange ramblings of a writer who's only knowledge of the franchise was cocaine induced nightmares who thought he was big and clever making the already insane premise of mutated turtles who know martial arts into the less silly 'alien turtles' premise and centring the entire story on a human character instead of the four characters the audience would want to see.
That and Michael Bay who's career at this point, is either a self-aware parody of the Hollywood machine or an anomaly in the matrix. Pick your poison.
But of course; here I am, ready to launch this badboy, ready to have my childhood either potentially spit roast between the bothersome cocks of ineptitude and insanity or simply wondering why producers and investors seem hellbent on not making a viable product which can make even more money instead of settling to entertain the lowest common denominator and in turn, making them even lower.
Imagine my surprise when I find the film not only watchable, but enjoyable at times.
I can get past new look of the turtles, who changed from streamlined cartoon characters to green 'roid monsters. Their personalities do shine through, even without their handy coloured bandannas. For those with a grasp on TMNT lore, they get the interactions and conflict between the four right, although like Bay's adaptation of Transformers, you'll wish for more.
Like Transformers, the film isn't about the titular characters and instead spends most of the film focused on the human bridge between character development and blurry action sequences. This time it's Megan Fox's April O'Neil who must overcome a rightful amount of dismissive insults at the work place from either Whoopi Goldberg (seriously) and Arrested Development/The Lego Movie's Batman Will Arnett's Vern Fenwick who also gets the added bonus of trying to pork her throughout the movie.
She's also now deeply involved in the Turtles' and Splinter's origin making her not only be the first to spot the brothers in the outside world, but also be linked to their shady origins and the film's two villains.
I know with a goofy premise and a title that screams batshit insanity, but it's small changes like this that lead to bigger problems with the overall premise of the story. It doesn't give the story or setting any grounding, instead, it reduces the film to a series of massive coincidences that pile ontop of one another in quick succession.
The villain of the film is mostly William Fitcher's Eric Sacks who is completely overshadowed by the visual presence of the Shredder. While Sacks delivers humdingers like "drain their blood, all of it, even if it kills them", Shredder is mostly quiet (minus one goofy nod to the eighties cartoon) spends most of the movie in his armour, beating the living daylights out of anyone and everything and is a visually impressive spectacle.
What isn't visually impressive, in continuing to match the original live action Transformers is the action sequences. Although the first fight between the turtles and the foot clan at a shipping dock can be forgiven as a demonstration on their ninja prowess and even the second at the subway due to the lighting and commotion, nearly all of director Liebesman's action sequences are blurry and incredibly difficult to follow. Even the final showdown, set in broad daylight has the camera swooping and zooming like it's been filmed by a drunkard at a nightclub.
Ultimately, I'm not the target market for the film and for those who only know the franchise as a goofy Saturday morning cartoon, they're bound to find something enjoyable and with a mercifully short running time compared to Transformers, it's a far easier watch than any of that franchise's films.
For myself who still really likes the original 1990 film and enjoyed the comic, it has it's moments. It's funny in places, the voice acting is decent, some of the action sequences are good and by the end, I did find myself interested to see where the film goes next.
But it's the stupid things like the first twenty minutes having dialogue, establishing shot of NYC, more dialogue, another establishing shot of NYC rinse-repeat, that the turtles take forever to finally appear on screen despite being spoiled to death in the marketing, the action sequences which are nauseating and generic, the plot being simply a flimsy set of coincidences before descending into the exact same plot as The Amazing Spider-Man (super-serial) and that, ultimately, it's not the Turtles story but rather the lead human who, despite being drilled into the backstory, simply isn't interesting enough.
A brainless but slightly above average reboot that, whilst watchable and dare I say, entertaining at times, is your typical Hollywood popcorn puff piece, which coincidentally, is what the lead character is trying to move away from.
Better luck next time.
6/10
H
@Retcon_Nation
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